Chris Kaman: A Pictorial

[Editor's note: Hahaha -R]

Your illustrious leader, Rohan, and myself have gotten into this bad habit of betting on the outcomes of various sporting events. It started innocently enough when the Mavericks faced the Hornets back on January 7th. Neither team was doing particularly well, so our bet was that the WINNER of the game would have to buy the other dinner. Keep in mind we live on opposite sides of the country, so this may or may not ever happen. Assuming it does, I owe Rohan one dinner. Not being a complete sucker, I decided to switch up the terms for our most recent game on Saturday. It was close- for a minute I thought I was going to end up being his sugar mama if we ever meet, owing him all kinds of dinners and whatnot. But thanks to Mr. Jack, now I am owed a dinner in return.

The point of all this is that I now have a gambling problem.

Whilst watching the second playoff game yesterday, we placed another bet. I was cheering for San Francisco and Rohan for the Giants, which is INSANELY weird because he's from the Bay area and I just moved back to NYC. That being said, clearly I am terrible at betting because now I am here, forced to stare at these, um, terrifying pictures of one of your beloved Hornets: Chris Kaman.

Mavs fans are very familiar with the former Clipper turned Hornet thanks to his appearances with our big German, Dirk Nowitzki, on the German National Team. It's hard to imagine a more awkward pair, amIright?

Anyhoo, the terms of our bet were something along the lines of-- loser has to post some sort of bio-piece on the other team's German Hair. Or something. I'm taking a bit of liberty with this one because I have no idea how to describe these pictures other than truly life-altering. Follow the jump at your own risk...

It all started with Kaman looking doofy as ever as a college player for Central Michigan. Life with strawberry blonde hair is difficult for any boy, let alone a pasty seven-footer. Freckles? Forget it.

via thedraftreview.com

His career with the Clippers involved some sort of Clay Matthews-wannabe locks that didn't have nearly the volume or ferocity that come with the bruising linebacker. They were stringy, thin, and downright unappetizing. Throw in a receding hairline and you have a recipe for disaster.

via sportswithballsshow.files.wordpress.com

...add a little length...

via funnyathletetweets.com

And finally (mercifully) someone convinced him that grunge was no longer appropriate or socially acceptable. Unfortunately they forgot to tell him mutton chops went out in the 19th century.

via upload.wikimedia.org

Now if one of you Hornets fans can explain the following picture to me, I'll be eternally grateful. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure this picture is going to haunt my dreams. Seriously, WTF???

via cdn1.sbnation.com

And that concludes my deep, stimulating analysis of the many looks of Chris Kaman. Well, except for this last little gimme. If you saw this man on the street, would you ever, in a million years, say "HEY. That young man looks like he should be playing in the National Basketball Association!!" I mean aside from the fact that he's gigantic. Let's pretend he's sitting down. So you can't tell he's got the height. Would you, then? Because I sure as hell wouldn't. I'd quietly reach inside my purse and locate my pepper spray...

via 2.bp.blogspot.com