It apparently is movie-reference/theme day here at the Dream Shake.  Which works just fine for me.  We've previously done comparisons to Family Guy, Married... with Children, 1980s movies, the Princess Bride, the Ocean's 11 series and others...

now it's time to compare your Houston Rockets to:

The Big Lebowski

The heart and soul of the movie is Jeffrey Lebowski.  But don't call him that.  Call him simply - "the Dude."  The Dude has all sorts of hidden talents.  Yet the Dude is nothing short of a huge slacker.  He's uneducated and unemployed.  He gets beat up on numerous occasions.  He smokes out often.  That is, whenever he's not imbibing in a white russian or two.  The Dude's only real passion is bowling... and even that can be ignored in favor of a bubble bath and some CCR.  And for some reason, people always seem to be trying to kill him. 

 

Which sounds a lot to me like one Tracy McGrady.  McGrady isn't ever going to be seen as the ambitious sort.  He didn't go to college either.  He's got all sorts of talents that he rarely uses (drive the ball to the basket, dammit!).  He's always getting beat up or injured.  I wouldn't blame Tracy if he smoked out or drank white russians all the time.  Further, Tracy's true passion probably isn't basketball... he's always talked about how he liked baseball more.  As for bubble baths and CCR?  Well, I can't vouch for that.  But I wouldn't be surprised.  ... and guys like me are perpetually killing T-Mac in blogs.

Walter Sobchak

The crazy guy who carries a gun and basically tries to intimidate everyone around him.  Walter is borderline crazy.  Everything has something to do with Vietnam.  Or war.  Anyone who tries to mess with him enters a world of pain.  And yes, he very much gives a shit about the rules.  Especially in games that may determine who enters the next round robin in the bowling league.  He's also not wrong, dude, but this tends to f--k things up because of his overaggresiveness.  Oh, and he can get you a toe.  No problem.

I think you know where I am going with this.  Of course this reminds us all of Ron Artest.  He's Crazy Pills after all.  While Artest didn't serve in Vietnam, something tells me this would have made it easier to explain the Malice at the Palace.  He simply had a flashback, dude.  Also, anyone who f--ks with RonRon enters a world of pain.  Artest cares deeply about the rules, especially if you threaten his street cred or his chance to get to the next round of the playoffs.  He's also not wrong.  Not even when he's supposed to be apologizing on Good Morning America (he was bereaved, dammit!).  I also think Artest could procure me a toe if need be.  I don't wanna know how, but I'm sure he could...

Theodore Donald (Donny) Kerabatsos

Donny was a gentle soul.  Except that he was perpetually out of his element.  Because of this, he didn't really participate in Walter and the Dude's plan to get money from the Big Lebowski.  This was a good thing.  Tragically, Donny died of a heart attack the moment the situation got stressful with a bunch of nihilists.

In comparison, Luther Head seems to be a gentle soul.  He's perpetually out of his element in that he can't seem to do anything right on the basketball court.  He can't dribble, pass or shoot.  His defense is suspect.  Which is why no one lets him play anymore.  This is a good thing.  Tragically, any time Luther Head enters the game against a tough opponent, or God forbid the playoffs against Utah, he bascially dies right there on the court.  And with the salary cap situation, the Rockets cannot locate a proper team (receptacle) for which to dump him.

Bunny Lebowski

Bunny is the person that sets everything in motion.  Kind of like a point guard.  Except that she's completely unreliable and prone to disappearing.  She'll also blow you for a thousand dollars.  Further, the actress that portrayed her, Tara Reid, was at one time seen to be the next big thing... all sorts of promise and hope.  Unfulfilled.  Now she's just a train wreck.

Of course, this can only be Rafer Alston.  Rafer's supposed to set everything in motion.  And he's kinda like a point guard.  Except that he's wholly unreliable and prone to getting distracted by trash talking his opponents.  He'll also suck for a few million dollars a year.  And the actor playing him, Skip to My Lou, was once seen as the next big thing on the And-1 circuit.  Sadly that promise was never fulfilled.  Now he's just a drunk-driving train wreck.

Brandt

Brandt is the loyal servant to Mr. Lebowski.  He's truly a team player.  Someone who can relate to both Mr. Lebowski... and also the Dude.  He fails to keep Bunny in line, but no one can really keep her in line.  Nonetheless, he gets ignored a lot and basically gets run over or disrespected by both the Dude and Mr. Lebowski.

Which reminds me of Luis Scola.  He's extremely loyal (stayed in Europe far longer than he should have... even though the Spurs kept asking him to play in the NBA).  He's also a great team player.  He never complains about minutes, shots, opportunities or anything.  He tries to keep Rafer in line.  Alas, no one can do that. 

Also, Scola gets ignored a lot.  Even when he has a good game, Coach Sleepy forgets to put him back in the game.  And then Scola gets disrespected by the referees.  Constantly.

The Stranger

The Stranger is basically the narrator of our story.  He doesn't take part in any of the action, he just relays to the rest of us the context of the story.  He's an older fellow, and quite wise.  The Stranger has a very distinctive voice.  He's also amused by the Dude and likes his style, even if he doesn't like the cussing so much.  He's comforted by the fact that there will be little Dudes running around in the future.

Who else but Dikembe Mutombo?  Dikembe doesn't take part in any of the action, but I'd most certainly listen to any narration he'd like to provide.  He has a good presence in the locker room.  He's the oldest player in the NBA, and in his many years he's become quite wise (he originally came to the states to be a doctor!).  Dikembe has an extremely distinctive voice.  Even if it sounds kinda like the Cookie Monster.  He's amused by Tracy McGrady at times, even if he doesn't like McGrady's attitude so much.  Though he's probably comforted by the fact that there will be lots of li'l McGrady types populating the NBA for years to come.

The Jesus

The Jesus is the creepy guy in the bowling league.  He's also a convicted pedophile.  Eight year olds, dude.  Eight year olds.  You don't f--k with the Jesus.

Joey Dorsey, by way of comparison, is the creepy dude on the bench.  Now in the D-League.  He's also quite fond of strip clubs.  Eighteen year olds, dude.  You also don't f--k with Joey Dorsey.

Jackie Treehorn

Jackie Treehorn is a wealthy but mysterious man.  A man who is also into shady things.  Like pornography.  He treats objects like women, man.

I can't help but think this might also be Brent Barry's style.  He's a wealthy and mysterious dude.  He's also the kind of guy who wouldn't surprise me if he were into Internet pornography (link is safe for work...).  He treats the basketball and the rim like women, man.  With a soft touch.

The Rug

It gets pissed on.  It also really ties the room together.

Kinda like Coach Sleepy.  We piss on Rick Adelman here all the time.  But he does kinda tie the whole team together.

The Nihilists

They are minor characters, yet important to the plot and the result.  They believe in nothing.  They also are confused about who the Dude is.  They think he's really important.  In their prior lives they were in a German pop music group.  They kill Donny inadvertently.  One of the nihilists in real life is Flea.  Who is quite short.

Carl Landry, Chuck Hayes and Aaron Brooks.  These guys are bench players, but they have an important role.  They also don't appear to believe in anything right now.  They are confused about who Tracy McGrady is.  They keep defering to him like he's the best and most important player on the team.  Which he is not.  I can only hope that one day Chuck Hayes or Carl Landry inadvertently kill Rafer.  Aaron Brooks is merely killing his playing time.  Aaron Brooks is also quite short.

Maude Lebowski

Maude is secretly the brains behind the entire operation.  Even though she's a woman.  Maude is quite possibly the most important character, yet can be the subject of unnecessary ridicule.  She is mysterious and strong-willed.  She knows a very good (and thorough) doctor.  Maude is the Dude's ladyfriend.

In a surprise twist... it's Yao Ming.  Yao is the brains behind the entire on-court operation.  Even though he's been accused of being "soft" like a woman.  (If anything Yao has a soft touch and small hands... just like a woman.)  Yao is the most important player on the roster, even though for some reason he is the subject of unnecessary ridicule.  His being from China makes him mysterious, yet Yao is also strong willed on the court.  After he broke his foot last February, he must have found a very good (and thorough) doctor to get him playing at full speed by the Olympics last year.  Yao is Tracy's good friend...

What?  Did you think we were just going to say Yao was "the Chinaman"?  Dude, that's not the preferred nomenclature!

The Big Lebowski

He's the man with all the money.  He really loves his Little Lebowski Urban Achievers, even though he's not really in control of that organization.  The real Jeffrey Lebowski is kind of a curmudgeon.

Who else but Les Alexander?  He's the man with the money.  He's the owner.  He also really loves his Rockets roster (which to date is more like the Little Lebowski UnderAchievers, but...).  He's also not really in control of the roster.  That would be Daryl Morey.  Alexander is somewhat of a curmudgeon... he's only seen at games and special events.

... and there you have it.  The Houston Rockets and The Big Lebowski!

It is no secret here that we are huge fans of Married... with Children.  And everything Bundy related.  Al Bundy is a folk hero to us.  Maybe not a role model though.

As we all know, Al Bundy once scored four touchdowns in a game.  For Polk High.  To win the High School City Championship for Chicago.  A damned impressive accomplishment.  And the precise moment when Al Bundy peaked.  Though they later named the stadium after him.........

But we have a challenger to the throne of impressive "quads"...

Von Wafer made 4 three-pointers against the Boston Celtics last night.  The last one to seal the victory over the defending champs.  In Boston.  Another damned impressive accomplishment.  To the extent none of us should be surprised to one day learn that Von Wafer will brag to his kids about how once upon a time he made four three pointers against the Boston Celtics.  (I just hope Von doesn't have to resort to selling womens' shoes after his basketball career is over.)

So, I ask you... which "4" is more impressive?

Poll

Which feat of "4" is more impressive (no foot pun intended)?

• Al Bundy scores 4 TDs in one game
• Von Wafer makes 4 three-pointers against the Celtics

  53 votes | Results

The Rockets win!

In Boston!

Without Tracy!

Or Shane!

Hey!  Paul Pierce... Ron Artest would like for you to suck his bawls!

Crazy Pills enjoys your tears, Boston. 

Tom proved himself to be quite the Nostrodamus-esque mofo over at Celtics Blog.  Predicting an 88-84 Rockets win... how 'bout 89-85?  That close enough?  Holy hell I am happy.  And surprised.  And quite impressed with the heart shown by the good guys tonight.  Major credit goes to ABZ and Crazy Pills.  Those two guys brought toughness and tenacity tonight.

What a game.  And yes, I thought we had absolutely no chance tonight.  I am so happy to be proven wrong.  Thank you for giving me hope Ron.  And Aaron.  And Yao.  And Scola. (0 points?  ouch dude.)  And maybe my new favorite Rocket (non-Yao/Scola division)... Von Wafer!

Since McGrady "played" last night, we can assume he is not playing tonight against the Celtics.  Correct?

Yes, "played" is in quotes for a reason... because I don't care about his 9 assists and his 3 steals.  Those are hollow stats to anyone who actually watched the game.

Okay, so tonight our lineup will probably be Rafer, Wafer, Artest (please?!?!), Scola and Yao.  If not Artest then we get Brooks in the lineup.  Yikes.  That's a small team to go up against Boston.

Furthermore, if tonight's effort is to the same level as last night's "effort" - the final score is going to be something like 100-75.  With Luis Scola putting up a 20-15-2 and wondering why no one will help him.

This from an excerpt on the excellent "Ball Don't Lie" blog on Yahoo (BDL interviewing Jamal Crawford):

BDL: Finishing up ... I read that you're a "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" fan.
Crawford: (Smiles) Yeah, Will Smith.
BDL: Is Coach Nelson the Uncle Phil of the NBA?
Crawford: Ha! After I've been around a little bit more I'll be able to tell you, so maybe next season I'll have some answers for you.
BDL: You've been around the league for a while now, who is the Carlton of the NBA?
Crawford: (Pauses) Shane Battier.
BDL: Yeah.
Crawford: Yeah, Shane Battier ... or no, Channing Frye. Channing Frye, I played with him.
BDL: Do you think he could do "The Carlton Dance?"
Crawford: Yeah. Yeah, he could do it for sure. Actually, I've seen him do it, so he's perfect.
BDL: He's literally done that dance before?
Crawford: He's done that dance before.

Yes, Shane Battier, still the undisputed whitest man in the NBA.  I can actually picture him doing the Carlton Dance.  Scary.  I bet there is a YouTube clip somewhere.  And if there isn't, someone needs to make one.

Rick Adelman is no longer to be confused for being a Coach Norman Dale look-a-like.  No.  Instead, he has a new name and fictional comparison.  I give you:

Coach Sleepy the Dwarf

The Rockets better f--king win tonight at Philadelphia.

At least pay the 76ers back for last year's debacle.  (Yes, I still blame you and Luther for that one, Rafer).  Then again, it was that game in particular that motivated Yao Ming to come out and call his teammates "soft".  Really, he did.  In print and everything!

But enough about badasses such as Yao.  It's the rest of the team that needs to wake up and get their act in gear.  Winning by 20 tonight against an inferior team would be a good start at re-gaining my trust.

In what should be a title for another episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia... the gang gets angry.  And by "gang" I mean the Rockets!

We are now 35 games into the Ron Artest experiment.  The Rockets being a .600 team, right at 21-14.  Which is better than last year, but not nearly what was predicted or expected from this team. 

(Yeah, I had us at 25-10 in my season predictions for this point... of course I also expected the team to go undefeated in February.  Right now I am starting to doubt that possibility.)

But now is as good of a time as any to discuss the results of adding one Ron "Crazy Pills" Artest to the Rockets lineup and locker room.  For those that have been in hibernation since August, or are simply Lakers fans, yes, Ron Artest was traded to the Rockets.  And so far here are his statistical contributions to the team:

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First, a disclaimer:  We all know that Ron Artest cannot and will not be judged on statistics alone.  I am going to judge him on three "elements":  (1) wins/losses, (2) energy on the court, and (3) his presence in the locker room.  That said, yeah, I am disappointed that Ron Ron is shooting a career-worst 37% from the field.  I'm also disappointed that he's mimicking T-Mac and is shooting a wholly unnecessary 5.3 three-pointers a game (making 40%, but still).  On the flip side, his points, rebounds and assists are right in line with what could be expected... they just have not come in the way I expected back in August.  The injury to Battier didn't help.  Nor does the fact that Artest is playing through his own severe ankle injury.

But can we consider the Artest trade to be a successful one yet?

In short, I say abso-f--kin'-lutely.  Yes!

There is of course a reason why I am willing to say this.  The Rockets have been struggling mightily lately.  Losing games to bad teams (Indiana, Washington, the Clippers, etc.) while also showing up with no energy in important games (@ Toronto, v. Washington at home, v. Milwaukee at home, etc.).  Rafer Alston has been quoted as saying that the team is not on the same page.  Yao has expressed frustration in the team's day-to-day effort.  Tracy McGrady continues to be a whiny little bitch.  The Rockets are mediocre and have been uninspiring for the last 4-6 weeks.

Yet here's Ron Artest proving his value to the team.  Today he sums things up perfectly and beautifully (in Feigen's article in the Chronicle):

"It’s going to come down to Mac getting healthy, and then Mac’s got to kind of be more of a dog," Artest said. "Yao is definitely doing his part."

"I think it’s coming along. For some reason, we’re not able to put a good game together. I think right now we look better on paper than what it really is. You see the Big Three people talk about; it’s not turning into wins that people would think it would. We have to get more out of ourselves. Sometimes we play like our life is not on the line. Once we put our life on the line every game, we’ll be OK."

In one simple sound-bite, Artest is both a calming influence and a motivational "light a fire under someone's [McGrady's] ass" presence.  You can say what you want about Artest being a weird guy, or crazy, or unpredictable.  What you cannot say is that he doesn't "play like [his] life is on the line" in nearly every game.  Artest is the only player in the entire locker room not named "Yao Ming" who has the temerity (and ability) to call out Tracy McGrady and get away with it.  Yao just won't do it, which is why the Rockets need Artest.

Compare for a moment...

McGrady is hurt.  This is nothing new.  So McGrady is going to sit out every other game or something like that.  And in the games he does play, he's had a tendency to do nothing but stand outside the three point line and pass the ball to guys like Luther Head.  Yeah, that's really inspiring stuff, Tracy.

Ron Artest is also hurt.  But he's Crazy Pills and McGrady is not.  So Artest plays.  Why?  Because he feels compelled to.  And when Artest plays, does he stand around and do nothing?  No.  He makes sure his presence is felt.  Go back and watch the fourth Q and both overtimes in the Utah game.  Ron Ron was simply NOT going to let the Rockets lose that game.  Mind over injury.  Or something like that.

This is where the statistical stuff can get confusing. Yes, Artest's stats are "down" compared to his career marks, and yet he still finds ways to impact the game.  McGrady had a triple-double recently, and yet it had little to no impact on the outcome of the game.  Yao goes for 20 and 10 basically every night (he's a machine like that), and sometimes it's huge for us... and sometimes I wake up the next day and wonder where the 20 points/10 rebounds came from.  I rarely say "wow, Artest is quiet tonight."  So, element (2) of my evaluation (enegy on the court) says Crazy Pills has been beneficial to the Rockets on the court.

The Rockets are also a handful of games better than last year's pace... even though the team has been hurt, sluggish and cover-your-eyes awful at times.  With Artest being the only real "new" piece to the puzzle, he's gotta get some of the credit for this, right?  So, element (1) (wins/losses) is also in Artest's favor as being beneficial to the team.

And after calling out McGrady while also indicating that the team will be fine (in spite of Alston's recent proclaimations to the contrary)....... Artest has been anything but a cancer in the locker room.  He's been a Tru Warier, a beacon of strength and intestinal fortitude.  And a guy that refuses to quit.  And will not let others *cough*T-Mac*cough* quit on him or his team.  Element (3) therefore is a plus, too.

This is why I love what Ron Artest brings to the Rockets.  He's the anti-McGrady.

Now, does Artest have flaws?  Yeah, he's been prone to being a blackhole on offense.  The ball movement has a tendency to stop when he catches it.  I have faith that this will change soon.   Artest also hasn't been his typical lock-down defensive self.  But that may change when his ankle is closer to 100%.  And I've already mentioned how Ron Ron shoots WAY too many 3s for a guy who should do more damage near the basket.  But these are flaws I can handle/accept.  Because I have no doubt Artest will continue to play hard every night.  You can tell the game *matters* to him.

So - do I have any regrets about the Artest trade now that I've seen him play for a couple months in Houston?  Oh... hell no!  (Translation:  re-sign Crazy Pills, Mr. Morey!!)

We all know that the current plan for McGrady is to sit out every other game when the team has back-to-backs (4 more to go in a row!).  But even when T-Mac plays, he's been uninspiring.  So, I submit the following... what do you think:

Poll

What should the Rockets do with Tracy McGrady?

• Continue letting him play every other game. The Rockets are still winning, after all.
• Trade him. Now.
• Don't let him play until he is 100% healthy and willing to take the ball to the basket
• Give Crazy Pills "5 minutes alone" with T-Mac to knock some sense into him

  226 votes | Results

The Rockets are a mediocre basketball team.  That's the truth.

And the truth hurts.  Yes, I know we played hard tonight... without Artest or Battier and with Von Wafer having cramping issues.  Plus Tracy McGrady was a spectator for this game (then again, even when Tracy's been on the court this year he's been mostly a spectator.) 

Speaking of Tracy, I always thought centers were the position most likely to all of a sudden just "lose it" - but McGrady is done.  We should have done the Kobe trade a year ago.  And if that wasn't an option, we should have taken whatever the Chicago Bulls would have offered.  In fact, maybe they'll still give us Kirk Hinrich and some spare parts for McGrady (?).  Pretty please?

There are exactly two players on the team playing well right now.  Yao and Scola.  And because Scola is too nice to demand the ball, he's being ignored in the offense.  Wafer is up-and-down.  Brooks is in a shooting slump.  Rafer sucks.  Artest is visibly frustrated with his teammates and the referees.  Adelman is still asleep (seriously - Carl Landry was PERFECT tonight, and yet Adelman only let him play 18 freakin' minutes.  That is inexcusable.)

Sad to say, but the Rockets are once again on pace to limp into the playoffs and be unceremoniously shown the door 6-7 games later. 

Show some heart, men.  This time last year the team was finding itself and gaining confidence.  I see the exact opposite attitude this year.  With Rafer bitching about everything and McGrady slowly becoming a cancer... we need someone else to be a jolt of energy and right the ship.  Like... now.