I don't know if you've heard, but apparently the Bobcats didn't do so hot last year. So I've got some tips for all the Bobcats players for this coming year. I hope it proves to help them right what was wrong last season and propel them to new heights!
Watch Y Tu Mama Tambien. I'm telling you. Do it.
Spice up your sex life wi-- wait sorry, got mixed up writing columns here. Um, where was I? Ah yes, don't mix vodka and ice cream.
HOLD IN YOUR FARTS IN THE PRESENCE OF LEBRON JAMES, ROOKIE
Don't try to fix your own car's driver-side window that fell off the track. You'll just end up breaking off the door's compartments in your efforts to remove the panel. Don't ask me how I know this.
Listen to more Brian Eno.
Remember your inner child. Find that Super Nintendo game you used to love and beat it. Have a snowball fight. Shoot, get a trampoline. This is the key to happiness, I've been told. No wait, that was an episode of the Simpsons. (We like Roy!)
Find a small project for you and a loved one to complete. Then quietly sabotage it and throw it off a parking deck when they're not looking.
Embrace being awkward instead of fearing it. This dang culture has conditioned us to be ashamed of being awkward, but I say own it. Be comfortable in silence.
Watch out for fire ants. I read somewhere you're supposed to tape pennies to where you get bit. I do not think that is the way to get rid of ant bites, so it might just be best to steer clear of ants altogether.
Dancing is good for the heart and soul. Kinda like Cheerios, but you don't get drunk while you eat Cheerios. I mean, unless you're in college.
Did you know your fingernails contain valuable vitamins? JUST KIDDING DON'T EAT THEM, I WAS JOKING.
The key to attracting a prospective lover is to wink at them. Why yes, I did learn all of my social interactions from Cary Grant movies, why do you ask?
Stop telling people Daft Punk is playing at your house.
Cripes, stop wearing dress socks with sneakers and shorts what are you doing jeez you're embarrassing me