Regardless of how the year plays out, its safe to say that the Hornet’s 2016-17 season has had its fair share of disappointments. Unfortunately, the future isn't any clearer than the present. Rich Cho & Co. will go into the offseason needing to make some serious improvements to the roster and very little money to do it with. Time will tell whether or not the signings and moves this regime has made will be looked back at favorably, and while you can argue the merits of how and on whom the Hornets spent their money, the one thing you can say for sure is, they spent that shit. Like, all of it.
The good news? You can too! Real fans don't just watch the games and read the articles; they run their entire life like the front office runs the team. In that spirit, here’s a round up of some of the most superfluous Hornets-themed dreck that you can recklessly burn all of your disposable income on!
Way Too Many Lil’ Sweatsuits
Any depressed sports fan knows the best way to handle the bad-team-blues is to put on a pair of your comfiest sweatpants, order a deadly amount of Domino’s, obsessively check the Domino’s Pizza Tracker app, refresh the Domino’s Pizza Tracker app, refresh it again because the damn thing isn't working, call Domino’s 30 times in a ten minute span angrily demanding to know what the hell is taking so long, apologize to the 16 year old employee you’ve been berating by letting her know that you’re “actually a pretty chill guy,” and just “going through some stuff right now,” calmly explain to the manager of the Domino’s that he’s “overreacting” and that filing a police report is “not necessary,” Give up on Domino’s, eat half a box of dry Grape-Nuts, leave a strongly-worded negative yelp review of the Glenspring Village Commons Domino’s, watch old VHS home movies of high school basketball glory days in the dark with a blank, thousand yard stare while muttering things like “Gotta box out #13... He’s killing us on the boards... if you don't get a body on 13 we can kiss the Regional Semi-Finals goodbye...”
Ahem, or you know, whatever. But sweats are key, and this eBay listing for twenty-three(!!!), new-with-tags Charlotte Hornets youth sweatsuits circa 1993 is the perfect purchase for the unhinged Hornets fan that has completely lost touch with reality. Much like the Miles Plumlee trade, this will initially seem like a severe overpay for something you won't get much use out of, but in the end... um, at least you’ll have spent some money?
Best case scenario here— this is a police-catfishing sting set up to catch the single weirdest person on the internet.
I have so many questions:
- Who is this for?
- Twenty-three is such a random number. Does this guy have more of these? Did he only need, like, seven little sweatsuits, but they only came in a thirty pack so... here we are?
- Why would someone even have this in their possession in the first place?
This is the sort of thing you see if you’re at someone’s place and you’re like, “where should I hang my coat?” and they yell from the kitchen “put it in the closet, 2nd door on the left!” so you open the door to a dark room and you’re like, “Are you sure this is a closet?” and they yell, “Yep, definitely! There’s a light in the back towards the wall!” So you fumble around in the dark, finally feeling the flimsy chain of one of those weird, loose hanging light bulb things that you only find in creep dungeons or haunted attics— which definitely seems like a red flag— but you can't see anything, so you pull on the chain; sending the light swinging ominously, and as the dusty yellow glow sparsely illuminates the cold, unsettlingly damp room, you see them: Twenty-three vintage, children's sized Charlotte Hornets sweatsuits, with the new tags still on them, hanging there with a terrible, languid sadness as if they were waiting for someone. A panic washes over you as you grope for the light, but just as your trembling hand finally clasps the chain, you are paralyzed at the sound of the door locking behind you. “You’re not supposed to be in here” the voice calls from behind. And you turn and see him, standing there in a grotesque, homemade Rufus the Bobcat costume...
The light bulb flickers out, and Billy Idol’s “Mony Mony” starts playing
Hooded Leather Jacket
Leather jackets can be pretty tricky for guys. Much like the ponytail or T-top Camaro, only about four percent of all men who have ever lived have successfully pulled it off without looking like a total douchebag. Of that four percent, a hundred percent still looked like total douchebags.
Wearing a leather jacket requires delicately balanced cocktail of attitude and reckless confidence. Leather jacket guys are born, not made. But for the select few who dare ride the highway through that particular danger zone, the spoils of eternal badass-ery lay waiting on the other side.
Its one of the highest risk to reward propositions known to man. Picture the worst guy imaginable: Ponytail. Leather jacket with no shirt on underneath. T-top Camaro blasting Van Halen’s 1984 in front of the Planet Hollywood in Myrtle Beach, SC.
Now, picture the coolest guy imaginable. Whoa. I know, right? Same dude.
It goes without saying that the baseline degree of difficulty for successfully looking not-the-worst in a leather jacket is already pretty high. But the set of circumstances by which one could thread that particular needle in THIS leather jacket would be like trying to beat a video game on God Mode without a controller.
This exquisite specimen is a bright teal leather Starter jacket 90 percent covered by a gigantic fucking Hugo the Hornet. It is a size extra large, and costs exactly five hundred U.S. dollars. But wait, what leather jacket would be complete without a bright purple leather hood? I don't know, all of them? If you gave Xzibit your least favorite jacket and $500 he couldn’t come up with something with more garish or useless than this. In fact that’s probably its best comparison. This is the jacket version of all of the Pimp My Ride cars mashed together.
Here is the entire list of human beings who could wear this and still look cool:
- Andre 3000
- Big Boi
- Any other member of the extended Dungeon Family
- Method Man
- Editor’s Pick: Killer Mike
Here is the list of people who would look the most hilarious in this jacket:
- Ruth Bader Ginsburg
- Everyone’s dad
Not A Hornets Jersey
Hey now! Here’s a pretty cool item for the discerning Hornets fan who doesn't actually know what things are. This is listed as a “vintage CHARLOTTE HORNETS Champion Jersey XL blank Reversible 90’s nba teal usa.”
Here’s the thing about that: NAH.
This thing is to a Charlotte Hornets jersey what Jeremy Renner is to the Jason Bourne franchise: NOT MATT DAMON. Or, I mean, a borderline insulting attempt at passing off a poor imitation.
I do have to admire this guys guts for trying to get $30 for this, but in the spirit of grifting, I wish he had at least put in the effort to list it as something like “An abstract, deconstruction of a Charlotte Hornets NBA jersey as commentary on American society’s obsessive preoccupation with labels, as reimagined by legendary street artist Banksy.”
Four Foot Locker
Now this, is legitimately badass. Its a plastic toy replica of Muggsy Bogues Locker. At four feet tall, it is actually perfectly to scale for a locker that Muggsy could absolutely use. I know at first it might seem way overpriced, but don't balk at that $150 tag. I actually think its appropriate for this almost entirely useless item.
Lets think about why you would even buy this in the first place:
- You are a parent, buying it for your kid. Nice! You are a cool parent.
- You are an irresponsible, not-at-all serious adult, and this is a friggin’ totally sweet Muggsy Bogues replica locker that you’d be a fool NOT to buy.
If this were say, $30, it would already be sitting in my living room, and my wife would be asking me questions like “are you serious?” and “what the hell, Steve?” But at $150, I can be sure to avoid any questions at all and proceed straight to getting divorced.
This thing is great, and I love the product. Here’s the problem I’m having though: at four feet tall, its just not big enough for me to realistically stuff myself inside of and hide in for the remainder of the games this season while I wait for the draft lottery. And so [Extremely Shark Tank Voice] for those reasons, I’m out.
Somewhat Unreasonably Priced Sean May Jersey
This originally caught my eye solely because it is a Sean May jersey, and the seller is asking for $189.95. Other than that, there’s nothing particularly interesting or funny about this item listed by eBay seller ImActuallySeanMay42.
“Rare” Tony Delk Themed Article of Clothing
The point guard position has a special place in Hornets lore; several of the franchise’s All Time Greats have served the command of Floor General. We’re talking one-name legends. Muggsy, Kemba, and Tonydelk.
Alright fine. Tony Delk isn't exactly a legendary figure in Hornets history. And sure, he didn't even play for the team that long. And no, he didn't go on to have a particularly interesting career. But one thing that you CANNOT say is that a Tony Delk/Charlotte Hornets T Shirt doesn't exist. Another thing you cannot say, is why one does exist, but who cares?
Delk was selected by the Hornets in the first round of the 1996 draft; coming off an impressive collegiate career that culminated with leading the Kentucky Wildcats to the 1996 NCAA championship. He was the SEC player of the year, Final Four Most Outstanding Player, Consensus First Team All-American, and proof that every iteration of this franchise’s front office has been utterly powerless against the Siren’s call of a dude who peaked in college.
Tony D was being groomed as the eventual successor to Muggsy, but after one season the Hornets traded BOTH point guards for B.J. Armstrong, who you probably remember as an integral part of the group of guys who happened to be near Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen when they won their first three championships, and who I had no idea ever played for the Hornets. Delk did go on to have one remarkable career moment; scoring 50 points in a game for the Phoenix Suns, topping the short list of “What?? No Way, You’re Lying.” B.J. Armstrong went on to always, always, always look 11 years old.
Anyways this shirt is $34, which seems high until you take into account that this is one of, like, six Tony Delk shirts that exist.